The DBT GIVE Skill: How To Hold On To Friends

Have you noticed that as you go through life, it’s harder to get and keep close friends? [1]

It turns out that saying and doing nice things—(thanks, Mom)—actually works. That’s not to say that you don’t do that as you get older; I just think we find it harder. 

When we’re kids, we have fewer inhibitions and fewer judgements; as a result, we tend to get on better with more people. 

So, if this resonates with you, this article is for you. 

The GIVE skill is a DBT skill that teaches you how to manage your relationships and maintain your friendships. 

I explain each part of this skill and how to apply it, and then I give you some concrete examples to take home. 

Let’s get started.

What is the GIVE Skill?

The DBT GIVE skill examines ways to have effective relationships.

Specifically, the GIVE skills help you maintain relationships by reminding you how to interact with people.

It gives you the tools to maintain positive interpersonal relationships and helps others feel good about themselves and you when communicating.

If you’ve been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, you’ll know that getting and keeping friends can be difficult. GIVE helps with that.

GIVE is an acronym that stands for: 

• (be) Gentle, 
• (act) Interested, 
• Validate
• (use an) Easy manner.

This skill is taught as part of the interpersonal effectiveness skills in dialectical behavior therapy.

The main thing to remember here is how you would like to be treated by somebody else.

Then, you aim to treat other people in that way. 

So, ultimately, being gentle is about being friendly and respectful. 

If you think about it, people respond much better to someone being gentle towards them than being harsh. 

So, this part of the skill trains us in how we talk or communicate with people. 

Giving people time and space to respond to you is also important. 

This might also involve some patience because they don’t have an instant answer for you in the conversation. 

Also, be willing to back down if they don’t want to have the conversation with you right then. Or maybe suggest that you go to a private place to talk instead.

You want the conversation to occur on both people’s terms, not yours. That’s part of being gentle.

This means there are: 

No attacks: 

• no verbal or physical attacks, 
• no hitting or clenching your fists, 
• no harassment of any kind.

 If you are angry, you only express that anger directly with words.

No threats: 

• If you have to describe the painful consequences of not getting what you want, do so calmly and without exaggerating. 
• No manipulative statements, 
• No hidden threats, 
• No “I’ll kill myself if you…” 
• Tolerate a “no”, 
• Stay in the discussion even if it gets painful, 
• Exit gracefully and with dignity if the conversation doesn’t go your way. 

No judging: 

• No moralising. 
• No “if you were a good person you would…” 
• No “you should” or “you shouldn’t”. 
• Abandon the blame.

No sneering: 

• No smirking, eye-rolling, or sucking your teeth. 
• No cutting off or walking away. 
• No saying “That’s stupid, don’t be sad.” or “I don’t care what you say.”

Tips on how to be more gentle

Here are other suggestions on what you can do to be more gentle.

Use a Soft Tone of Voice

Speak in a calm and soothing voice to avoid sounding aggressive or confrontational. A gentle tone can make a significant difference in how your message is received.

Choose Your Words Carefully

Avoid using harsh or critical language. Opt for kind and considerate words that reflect empathy and understanding.

Maintain Open Body Language

Keep your body language open and non-threatening. Avoid crossing your arms, clenching your fists, or pointing fingers. Instead, use gentle gestures and maintain a relaxed posture.

Listen Actively

Show that you are genuinely interested in what the other person is saying by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and refraining from interrupting. Active listening demonstrates respect and gentleness.

Validate Feelings

Acknowledge the other person’s feelings and experiences. Validation shows that you respect their perspective and can help defuse tension.

Offer Support

Be supportive and offer assistance when needed. Showing you care about the other person’s well-being fosters a gentle and nurturing environment.

Avoid Judgement

Refrain from judging or criticizing the other person. Approach conversations with an open mind and a non-judgmental attitude.

Use “I” Statements

Express your feelings and needs using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This helps to avoid sounding accusatory and focuses on your own experience.

Be Patient

Give the other person time to process what you are saying and respond. Patience is a key aspect of gentleness & interpersonal interactions and helps to create a respectful dialogue.

Practice Empathy

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to understand their point of view. Empathy is fundamental to being gentle and compassionate in your interactions.

Remember the last time you conversed with someone and noticed they weren’t listening to you? How did it make you feel? 

Maybe you were sharing a personal story, but their attention was elsewhere. 

This part of the skill is about whether you can genuinely be interested in what they’re saying. But if you can’t, act like you’re interested. 

Being interested is important because it’s only fair to listen to someone and their point of view. We’d want them to do the same. 

The acting part comes into play because sometimes, what we hear might be challenging to process. So we have to act like we’re interested.

This part of the skill can take some effort, especially if we disagree with someone or have strong opinions contrary to theirs. 

Acting interested means listening to people, but it also means acting interested with your body language. 

So: 

• Face the person physically, 
• Maintain eye contact,
• Don’t interrupt them. 

Also, accept it if they don’t want to have the conversation right now.

But do you want to know what will really help you appear interested?

Asking a question. 

That shows the other person that you’ve truly listened.

Here’s an example.

Example of Acting Interested

Let’s look at two scenarios: one, where Alex asks a question and probes a bit further to display his interest, and one, where he doesn’t do that.

Alex: Hey, I’m organizing a fundraiser event this Saturday. Could you help out?

Jordan: I might be able to, but I have a project deadline.

Alex: (Nods, smiles) You could bring your laptop and work during the downtime.

Jordan: Yeah, maybe… I’ll have to see.

Alex: Great, let me know when you decide!

Now compare this:

Alex: Hey, I’m organizing a fundraiser event this Saturday. Could you help out?

Jordan: I might be able to, but I have a project deadline.

Alex: Oh, what project are you working on?

Jordan: It’s for my marketing class. We’re creating a campaign for a local business.

Alex: That sounds interesting! What business did you choose?

Jordan: A small bakery in town. We’re focusing on their social media presence.

Alex: That’s really cool. Have you learned anything new about marketing through this project?

Jordan: Definitely. I’ve been researching a lot about target audiences and engagement.

Alex: That’s impressive. Maybe you could even apply some of those strategies to our fundraiser event. So, do you think you could help out on Saturday?

Jordan: You know what, I could probably bring my laptop and work on it there. Sure, what time should I be there?

The second conversation flows much more naturally because Alex asks questions and shows genuine interest in Jordan’s project.

Tips to act like you’re interested

It might be challenging to do this, but still be sincere, so here are a few suggestions to help you along the way.

Ask Questions 

Show curiosity by asking open-ended questions about the other person’s experiences, feelings, or opinions. This demonstrates that you value their perspective and want to understand them better.

Maintain Eye Contact 

Make regular eye contact to show that you are focused and attentive. It conveys that you are engaged in the conversation and not distracted.

Nod and Provide Verbal Acknowledgements 

Use small gestures like nodding and verbal cues such as “I see,” “Really?” or “That’s interesting” to show that you are actively listening and engaged.

Reflect and Summarize 

Paraphrase or summarize what the other person has said to show that you are paying attention. For example, “So, what you’re saying is…” or “It sounds like you feel…”

Avoid Interrupting 

Let the other person speak without interruptions. Wait until they have finished their thoughts before responding or asking follow-up questions.

Show Enthusiasm 

Display genuine enthusiasm for the topics they are discussing. Use positive body language to convey your interest, like smiling and leaning slightly forward.

Provide Feedback 

Share your thoughts or experiences related to the topic. This not only shows that you are listening but also that you are connecting with what they are saying.

Be Present 

Focus on the conversation and avoid distractions such as checking your phone or looking around the room. Being present helps you stay engaged and interested.

Respect Their Space 

Give the other person space to share their thoughts without feeling rushed or pressured. Respecting their space fosters a more comfortable and open dialogue.

Use Appropriate Body Language 

Lean in slightly, keep an open posture, and mirror the other person’s body language to show that you are attuned to the conversation.

After you’ve listened, demonstrate to the other person that you understand what they’ve been talking about by your words and deeds. 

See the world from their point of view. Think about why they might feel or act in a certain way. But don’t assert that this is a fact, either; it’s just a possibility. 

Try to figure out what problems they might be having with your requests, and remember to acknowledge them.

If you think they’re unreasonable, try to see past the irrational part of their statements and look for the truth. 

Use phrases like “I see that you’re busy,” “I know you’re having a hard time,” or “I realise this is hard for you.” 

Validate the other person’s feelings, wants, difficulties and opinions. 

Validation is valuable for cultivating important relationships with everyone else. 

People respond to being validated because it helps them see that you’re seeing it from their perspective. 

When you validate that their opinions, feelings, and thoughts are correct, you’re bridging a gap, which helps build relationships. 

Validating someone involves empathising with them. This requires careful thought, and it’s easier if you cultivate mindfulness.

When you’re mindful, you’re fully engaged in your situation; your thoughts aren’t elsewhere. This means it’s easier for you to put yourself in someone else shoes, which makes validating them much easier, too.

Levels of Validation

There are different levels of validation or other ways to validate people. Let’s look at some of the most valuable ones you can use to help reinforce this part of the skill.

Pay attention. 

Look interested in the other person instead of bored. Don’t multitask. 

Reflect back. 

Say back what you’ve heard the other person say or do to ensure you understand exactly what the person is saying. Remember not to judge using your language or your tone of voice. 

Read minds. 

Be sensitive to what the other person is not saying. Pay attention to their facial expressions, body language, what’s happening, and what you already know about the person. Show that you understand in words or by your actions. Check it out and make sure you’re right. But remember to let go if you’re not right. 

Understand. 

Look at it from the other person’s point of view. Look for how the other person is feeling, thinking, or doing, which makes sense based on the person’s past experiences, present situation, and/or current state of mind or physical condition. 

Acknowledge the valid. 

Look for ways in which the person’s feelings, thoughts, or actions are valid responses because they fit current facts or are understandable because they are logical responses to current facts. 

Show equality. 

Be yourself. Don’t one-up or one-down the other person. Treat the other as an equal, not as fragile or incompetent.

Validation Example

Let’s look over Alex’s shoulder again and see what happens when he validates Jordan.

Without Validation:

Alex: Hey, I’m organizing a fundraiser event this Saturday. Could you help out?

Jordan: I might be able to, but I have a project deadline.

Alex: (Nods, smiles) You could bring your laptop and work during the downtime.

Jordan: Yeah, maybe… I’ll have to see.

Alex: Come on, it’s just a couple of hours. You can manage both.

Jordan: (Frowns) I’ll get back to you.

With Validation:

Alex: Hey, I’m organizing a fundraiser event this Saturday. Could you help out?

Jordan: I might be able to, but I have a project deadline.

Alex: That sounds stressful. I know how tough juggling multiple responsibilities can be.

Jordan: Yeah, it’s been pretty overwhelming lately.

Alex: I completely get that. Your project must be really important, and it sounds like you’re putting in much effort.

Jordan: Yeah, it’s for my marketing class. We’re creating a campaign for a local business.

Alex: Wow, that’s impressive. Would you be willing to bring your laptop and work during the fundraiser’s quieter moments?

Jordan: You know what, I could probably manage that. Sure, I’ll help out. What time should I be there?

See the difference? It’s just a few extra words, but by validating what Jordan is dealing with, he wins him over and gets the help he needs.

More tips on Validation

Listen Actively 

Pay full attention to the speaker without interrupting. Show that you are listening by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and using verbal acknowledgements like “I see” or “Uh-huh.”

Acknowledge Feelings 

Recognize and name the other person’s emotions. For example, “It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated” or “I can see you’re upset.”

Reflect Back 

Paraphrase what the other person has said to show that you understand. For example, “So, you’re saying you felt left out during the meeting?”

Empathize 

Show empathy by putting yourself in their shoes and expressing understanding. For example, “I can imagine that must have been really tough for you” or “I understand why you would feel that way.”

Avoid Judgement 

Respond without criticism or judgment. Validation means accepting the other person’s feelings and thoughts as they are without trying to change or dismiss them.

Normalize Their Feelings 

Help the other person feel that their emotions are normal and understandable. For example, “It makes sense that you would feel anxious about that presentation. Public speaking can be really nerve-wracking.”

Show Patience 

Give the other person time to express themselves fully. Don’t rush the conversation or try to move on too quickly. Let them know you are there for them as long as they need.

Offer Support 

Let the other person know you are there for them and willing to help if needed. For example, “I’m here for you if you need anything” or “How can I support you right now?”

Validate Non-Verbally 

Use body language such as nodding, leaning forward, and maintaining eye contact to show you are engaged and supportive.

Acknowledge the Validity of Their Experience 

Even if you disagree with their perspective, acknowledge their feelings and experiences are valid. For example, “I might see it differently, but I understand this is how you feel.”

So, while delivering the other three parts of this skill, use an easy manner. 

This means smiling, having a friendly demeanour, joking, using a little humor, and generally being friendly and easygoing. 

A smile and a laugh usually help ease other people’s tension. No one likes to be bullied, pushed around, or guilt-tripped into doing something. 

So, having a good attitude and an easygoing manner makes the conversation go much more smoothly. 

It can be much harder to maintain an easy manner when the other person is upset or hurt by what you’re asking, but if you validate them, you must remember that that response is also valid. 

So do your best to accept what they’ve said or how they’ve responded, but keep this calm, easy-going, gentle manner. 

Aim to keep things as light-hearted as possible, no matter the conversation’s direction. 

Remember to leave your attitude at the door. 

Think about your objectives when having this discussion with someone. What is the most effective thing? That usually is not being right. 

Ultimately, you want to resolve conflict. That may involve compromising, but keeping an easy manner will help you approach this. 

So sweet talk, people, be as pleasant as possible and keep it light-hearted.

Tips on how to have an easy manner

Smile: A genuine smile can put others at ease and create a welcoming atmosphere. Smiling shows that you are friendly and approachable.

Use Humor: Light, appropriate humor can help ease tension and make interactions more enjoyable. Be mindful not to use humor at the expense of others.

Stay Relaxed: Maintain a relaxed posture and demeanour. Avoid appearing tense or stiff, which can make others feel uncomfortable.

Speak Softly: Use a calm and gentle tone of voice. Speaking softly can make conversations feel more intimate and less confrontational.

Be Patient: Give others time to express themselves without rushing them. Patience demonstrates that you value what they have to say.

Show Genuine Interest: Engage with others by asking questions and showing curiosity about their thoughts and feelings. This helps to build rapport and shows that you care.

Maintain Eye Contact: Make appropriate eye contact to show you are attentive and engaged. Avoid staring, which can make others feel uneasy.

Use Open Body Language: Keep your body language open and inviting. Avoid crossing your arms or legs, which can appear defensive or closed off.

Practice Active Listening: Show that you are listening by nodding, verbally acknowledging, and reflecting back on what the other person has said.

Be Approachable: Position yourself to invite others to engage with you. For example, sit or stand facing the person you are talking to and avoid barriers like crossed arms or objects between you.

Stay Present: Focus on the current conversation without distractions. Being fully present shows respect and interest in the other person.

Acknowledge and Validate: Recognize the other person’s feelings and experiences. Validation helps to create a supportive and understanding environment.

Be Non-Judgmental: Approach interactions without criticism or judgment. An accepting attitude fosters trust and openness.

Express Gratitude: Show appreciation for the other person’s time and input. Simple thank-yous can go a long way in building positive interactions.

Here are a few other examples that you might find yourself in. Lets look at how NOT to do it and then how you could apply the GIVE skill to get to a resolution of the issue.

Mother/Daughter Talking About Going to a Party

Without the GIVE Skill:

Mother: “You’re not going to that party. It’s too dangerous.”

Daughter: “But all my friends are going! You never let me do anything fun.”

Mother: “I don’t care what your friends are doing. You’re not going, end of discussion.”

Daughter: “This is so unfair! You don’t trust me at all.”

With the GIVE Skill:

Mother: “Let’s talk about that party you want to attend.”

G – Gentle: “I understand you really want to go. I can see how much it means to you.”

I – Interested: “Can you tell me more about the party? Who will be there, and what kind of supervision will there be?”

V – Validate: “I get why you’d want to be there with your friends. It’s normal to want to join in on social events.”

E – Easy Manner: “Let’s find a way to make this work safely. Maybe I can call the host’s parents to check on the supervision, and we can set a curfew that feels right for both of us.”

Father/Son Talking About Having a Mobile Phone

Without the GIVE Skill:

Father: “You’re not getting a mobile phone. End of discussion.”

Son: “But all my friends have one! Why can’t I?”

Father: “Because I said so. Phones are too distracting, and you don’t need one.”

Son: “This is so unfair! You never listen to me.”

With the GIVE Skill:

Father: “Let’s discuss why you want a mobile phone.”

G – Gentle: “I know it’s something you’ve been asking for, and it’s important to you.”

I – Interested: “Can you explain to me why you feel you need a phone? What would you use it for?”

V – Validate: “I understand that having a phone can help you stay connected with friends and be useful.”

E – Easy Manner: “Maybe we can develop some rules about phone usage. We could also start with a basic phone and see how it goes.”

Wife/Husband Talking About Decorating the House

Without the GIVE Skill:

Wife: “I want to repaint the living room this weekend.”

Husband: “We don’t need to repaint. The living room is fine as it is.”

Wife: “You never care about how the house looks. You’re so dismissive.”

Husband: “And you always want to change things. We can’t keep spending money on decorations.”

With the GIVE Skill:

Wife: “I’d love to discuss redecorating the living room.”

G – Gentle: “I know you think the living room looks fine, and I appreciate your perspective.”

I – Interested: “What do you like most about the current setup? Are there any changes you’d be open to?”

V – Validate: “I understand that frequent changes can seem overwhelming. It’s important to balance our tastes.”

E – Easy Manner: “Let’s look at some ideas together and maybe find a compromise. We could start with a small change and see how it feels.”

Employer/Employee Talking About Taking on Additional Responsibilities

Without the GIVE Skill:

Employer: “I need you to take on these additional responsibilities.”

Employee: “I already have too much on my plate. I can’t handle more work.”

Employer: “Well, everyone else is managing. You need to step up.”

Employee: “This isn’t fair. I feel overworked and unappreciated.”

With the GIVE Skill:

Employer: “I wanted to discuss the possibility of you taking on some new responsibilities.”

G – Gentle: “I know you’re already doing a lot, and I appreciate your hard work.”

I – Interested: “How are you feeling about your current workload? Are there areas where you feel you could handle more?”

V – Validate: “I understand that taking more can feel overwhelming. Your feelings are completely valid.”

E – Easy Manner: “Maybe we can prioritize tasks together and see what can be delegated or postponed. Let’s find a way that works without unnecessary stress.”

The GIVE skill is useful in many situations where you want to improve your relationships and communicate more effectively. Here are some simple examples of when to use the GIVE skill:

Talking with Family Members:

• If you’re discussing plans, solving problems, or even just chatting, using the GIVE skill can help you stay calm and respectful.
• Example: When you need to ask your mom if you can go to a friend’s house, use the GIVE skill to ask nicely and explain why it’s important.

Dealing with Friends:

• When you disagree or need to make a request, using the GIVE skill can help you keep your friendship strong.
• Example: If you want your friend to return something they borrowed, use the GIVE skill to ask for it back in a kind way.

At School:

• When talking to teachers or classmates, the GIVE skill helps you communicate your needs and concerns effectively.
• Example: If you need extra help with homework, use the GIVE skill to ask your teacher for assistance politely.

At Work:

• When interacting with your boss or coworkers, the GIVE skill can help you express your ideas and concerns clearly.
• Example: If you need to ask your boss for time off, use the GIVE skill to explain why you need it and how you’ll make sure your work is covered.

With Your Partner:

• In relationships, the GIVE skill helps you discuss your feelings and needs without causing arguments.
• Example: If you want to talk to your partner about spending more time together, use the GIVE skill to express your feelings and suggest ideas.

Resolving Conflicts:

• When you’re in a conflict, the GIVE skill helps you stay calm and focused on finding a solution.
• Example: If you and your sibling are fighting over chores, use the GIVE skill to discuss the issue and find a fair way to share the work.

Using the GIVE skill makes your conversations more positive and productive. It helps you build stronger, healthier relationships with the people around you.

Remember, GIVE stands for Gentle, Interested, Validate, and Easy Manner.

Keep these in mind to improve your communication and relationships.

The GIVE skill is very helpful in many situations, but sometimes, it might not be the best approach. Here are some examples of when not to use the GIVE skill:

In Dangerous Situations:

• If you are in a situation where your safety is at risk, focus on getting to safety first.
• Example: If someone threatens you or makes you feel unsafe, it’s more important to leave the situation and find help.

When Someone is Being Abusive:

• If someone is being verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive, it’s important to protect yourself rather than trying to use the GIVE skill.
• Example: If a person is yelling at or insulting you, find a way to remove yourself from the situation and seek support from a trusted friend, family member, or professional.

When the Other Person is Not Receptive:

• If the person you are talking to is not willing to listen or engage in a respectful conversation, the GIVE skill might not be effective.
• Example: If you’re trying to have a calm discussion and the other person constantly interrupts or dismisses your feelings, it might be better to pause the conversation and try again later.

During a Heated Argument:

• Emotions can run high in the middle of a heated argument, making it difficult to use the GIVE skill effectively.
• Example: If you and someone else are yelling and not listening to each other, take a break to cool down before trying to use the GIVE skill.

When Immediate Action is Required:

• If a situation requires immediate action or a quick decision, there might not be time to use the GIVE skill.
• Example: If you need to make a quick decision in an emergency, focus on resolving the immediate issue rather than using the GIVE skill.

When the Other Person is in Crisis:

• If someone is in a crisis or extremely upset, they might not be able to engage in a GIVE skill conversation at that moment.
• Example: If a friend has a panic attack, focus on helping them calm down and feel safe rather than discussing the issue in depth.

Knowing when not to use the GIVE skill is just as important as knowing when to use it. In these situations, prioritize safety, immediate needs, and finding the right time to have a constructive conversation later.

This will ensure that your communication is effective and respectful in the right contexts.

Time to wrap it up

Remember that GIVE (and its cousin FAST) is how you apply DEAR MAN.

It’s like the How skill is to the What skill in mindfulness.

This is all about getting and maintaining healthy relationships. If you’ve found this difficult in the past, the GIVE skill will help.

No one enjoys being alone or lonely. Do your best to practice these skills to foster healthy relationships and become a better person.

Paying attention and listening to someone, feeling their pain, is wonderful. You’ll make and keep great friends by doing that.

Talk soon,

Sean