Holding on to your self-respect as BPD is hard.
I don’t feel great very often. My self-worth is low, and I think others view me how I view myself.
That means I tend to put myself down when I communicate with others. I don’t have much respect for myself.
Well, that’s how I used to feel.
When I learned DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST in DBT, it changed how I approached people. Those skills gave me the confidence to ask for what I wanted and maintain my self-respect.
If you want the same, then this article is for you.
This is about my experience with the FAST skill – how I show self-respect when making a request.
How I use the FAST Skill As BPD
I use the FAST skill to maintain respect when asking for something I’m owed or need. It gives me a framework to follow to feel good about myself during and after an interaction.
That’s important because I get overwhelmed easily, especially in potentially confrontational conversations (like asking someone to stop doing something upsetting me).
I also like structure. Structure helps me to feel grounded, and when I have a structure to follow, I’m less likely to be triggered.
FAST is an acronym that stands for:
F – (Be) Fair
Be fair to myself and the other person.
Remember to validate my feelings and wishes and those of other people.
I think about the golden rule here. “Do to others what you want them to do to you.”
For me, being fair is not being entitled.
I find it’s a good idea to ask myself, “Am I being fair?” before making the request.
Maybe the request that I’m asking for isn’t fair.
But the other way I look at this is when I’m describing and expressing how I feel and what I want, am I doing it fairly? Am I being kind? Am I being nice?
That applies equally to me and the other person.
I don’t have to self-deprecate to accommodate the other person.
A – (No) Apologies
I don’t over-apologise.
I don’t apologise for making a request.
I don’t apologise for having an opinion or for disagreeing.
I don’t look ashamed.
I don’t invalidate the valid.
As an Irish person, I over-apologise all the time.
I bump into someone, and I say sorry.
I interrupt someone, and I say sorry.
The word ‘sorry’ is overused in Ireland. Because of that, it loses its meaning, and in the end, it just doesn’t mean anything.
So, if my request is valid, I don’t have to apologise for it.
I can still be kind, fair, and pleasant. But I don’t have to look ashamed.
I don’t have to apologise for having opinions or disagreeing with someone.
All of those things are okay.
I minimise my self-respect when I apologise when there’s no need to.
I do say sorry when I have to, though. But I don’t over apologise.
S – Stick to values
Stick to my values.
I don’t sell out my values or integrity for reasons that aren’t very important.
I stick to my guns.
I’m clear on what I believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and acting.
Because my self-worth can be low, I can feel that my values aren’t important, but they are.
I must stick to those values when I want to maintain my self-respect.
If I’m asking for something, there’s a valid reason for doing that, and it’s likely because something contradicts or opposes my values.
That’s why I’m asking for it.
So, I remind myself that I can have integrity and that sticking to my guns is okay.
If I compromise my values for others, it will hurt me in the long run.
I also remind myself that I still want to be fair, and my values and opinions are related. So, I want to validate and be fair to other people.
T – (Be) Truthful
I don’t lie.
I don’t act helpless when I’m not.
I don’t exaggerate or make up excuses.
I need to remain truthful when I’m asking for something. That’s a value I have.
I tend to exaggerate so the other person might feel sorry for me.
But I’ve learned that that’s not an effective way to ask for something I want. I don’t have respect for myself when I do that.
So I check the facts, remember how I’d want someone to treat me, and stick to the truth.
When I Use The FAST Skill
- Negotiations with my family, friends, and colleagues.
- To express my needs and desires
- To communicate my expectations to others
- To resolve conflicts
- To improve my relationships
What I Would Add To It
The FAST skill is precious, and I use it regularly.
But I do two other things that make it even more effective.
I would improve or change the acronym from FAST to FASTLY.
The L stands for Listen.
So, I actively listen to others while still maintaining self-respect.
When trying to get my point across, I find that actively listening to what the other person is saying helps reduce miscommunication.
This allows me to validate both my feelings and wishes and those of others.
FAST is part of interpersonal effectiveness, and I know that listening is an important part of it.
Y stands for Yield.
Being flexible and willing to compromise is important to effective communication.
I can still assertively state my needs, but I want to find common ground or make some adjustments in the conversation.
This not only maintains self-respect but shows respect for others as well.
As part of DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST, I find that when I approach people this way, I show respect for others while maintaining respect for myself.
FAST reminds me that having values, integrity, feelings, wants, and desires is okay. They’re all part of being human.
I don’t have to be ashamed or apologise for respectfully asking for something.
So FAST is like someone hugging me and telling me it’s okay to feel like I do.
But more importantly, it gives me a list of actions to follow because I quickly forget them.
I hope you found my experience using the FAST skill helpful.
