General Instructions for Therapists
As you guide clients through these Wilfulness skill activities, the goal is to help them recognize when they are being willful—resisting reality or refusing to act effectively—and to understand the impact of this mindset on their emotions and behaviors. The aim is to help clients see the difference between Wilfulness and Willingness and how shifting from willful to willing can reduce distress and make their responses more effective.
Encourage clients to reflect on times when they have been willful, how it affected them, and how they can practice shifting to a more open and flexible mindset.
General Instructions for Clients
Today’s activities focus on understanding Wilfulness, which is when you rigidly resist or refuse to accept reality or take effective action. Wilfulness keeps you stuck in patterns that increase distress and suffering, making it harder to deal with life’s challenges. It is the opposite of Willingness, which involves being open and flexible, accepting reality, and doing what works to handle the situation.
These exercises will guide you through different ways to recognize Wilfulness in yourself and shift toward Willingness, helping you reduce distress and respond more effectively to difficult situations.
Table of Contents
What is Wilfulness in DBT?
Wilfulness in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a mindset where you refuse to accept reality or take effective action. It involves being rigid, resistant, or defiant, holding onto your way of thinking or doing things, even when it isn’t working. Wilfulness leads to increased emotional distress, as it keeps you stuck in unhelpful patterns.
Willingness, by contrast, is about being open, accepting, and flexible—responding to life’s challenges in a way that is effective. Recognizing when you are being willful and shifting to Willingness can help you manage distress and handle difficult situations more effectively.
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15 Wilfulness Activities
Activity 1: Recognizing Wilfulness in Difficult Situations
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients practice recognizing when they are being willful in difficult situations and reflect on how this mindset affects their emotional response and ability to cope.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on recognizing Wilfulness in a difficult situation. The goal is to identify when you are resisting reality or refusing to take effective action and reflect on how that impacts your emotional state.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to think about a recent difficult situation where they felt stuck, frustrated, or angry. Clients are encouraged to notice if they were holding onto rigid thinking or resisting the reality of the situation.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a recent situation where you felt stuck. Ask yourself, ‘Was I refusing to accept the reality of the situation? Was I holding onto my way of thinking, even though it wasn’t helping?’ Focus on identifying where Wilfulness showed up in your thoughts or actions.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on how Wilfulness affected their response to the situation. The therapist encourages them to notice how being willful increased their distress or made it harder to cope.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after recognizing Wilfulness in their thinking or behavior. Did identifying the willful mindset help them see how it increased their distress or blocked effective action?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to recognize Wilfulness in your thinking or behavior? Did acknowledging this mindset help you understand why the situation felt harder to handle?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how recognizing Wilfulness can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could identifying Wilfulness in your thoughts and actions help you shift toward a more effective, willing response in the future?”
Activity 2: Identifying When You’re Refusing to Let Go
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients recognize when they are refusing to let go of something that is no longer working or effective, a key sign of Wilfulness, and explore how it impacts their ability to move forward.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on identifying when you are refusing to let go of something that is not working for you. The goal is to notice when you are being willful by holding onto something that’s no longer effective.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to think about a situation where they held onto a particular belief, behavior, or way of doing things, even though it wasn’t helping them. Clients are encouraged to notice where they felt stuck due to this rigid thinking.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when you refused to let go of something, like an idea, belief, or action, even though it wasn’t working for you. Ask yourself, ‘What was I holding onto, and why?’ Focus on how that resistance kept you stuck in the situation.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on a situation where they resisted letting go and how it impacted their ability to cope. The therapist encourages them to recognize how this form of Wilfulness increased their distress.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after identifying the refusal to let go. Did acknowledging their Wilfulness help them understand why they felt stuck in the situation?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to recognize when you refused to let go? Did noticing this form of Wilfulness help you see how it contributed to your emotional distress?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how identifying when you’re refusing to let go can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could practicing awareness of this form of Wilfulness help you shift toward a more open and effective mindset?”
Activity 3: Noticing When You’re Fighting Reality
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients identify when they are fighting against reality, which is a hallmark of Wilfulness, and reflect on how this resistance leads to increased suffering.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on noticing when you are fighting reality. The goal is to recognize when you are resisting the facts of a situation and how this leads to emotional suffering.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to think about a situation where they struggled to accept the reality of what was happening, even though it was beyond their control. Clients are encouraged to notice how this resistance affected their emotional state.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when you were fighting against reality—wishing things were different, trying to control something you couldn’t change, or refusing to accept the facts. Focus on how resisting reality affected your emotions and made the situation harder.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on how fighting reality increased their suffering and frustration. The therapist encourages them to consider how accepting reality might have helped them cope more effectively.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after recognizing their resistance to reality. Did noticing this form of Wilfulness help them see why they felt more frustrated or upset in the situation?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to notice when you were fighting reality? Did acknowledging this form of Wilfulness help you understand why it increased your distress?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how noticing when you are fighting reality can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could practicing acceptance instead of resistance help you reduce suffering in difficult situations?”
Activity 4: Understanding How Willfulness Blocks Change
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients reflect on how being willful blocks their ability to make positive changes in their lives, keeping them stuck in patterns that increase distress.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on understanding how being willful blocks change. The goal is to reflect on how holding onto rigid thinking or behavior makes it harder to grow or adapt.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to think about a time when they wanted to make a change but felt stuck. Clients are encouraged to explore how their own willful mindset might have kept them from making progress.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when you wanted to change something in your life but felt stuck. Ask yourself, ‘Was I being willful? Was I holding onto my way of doing things, even though it wasn’t working?’ Focus on how Wilfulness blocked your ability to make that change.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on how being willful prevented them from making a needed change. The therapist encourages them to consider how adopting a more willing attitude could help them move forward.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after recognizing how Wilfulness blocked change. Did acknowledging their willful mindset help them understand why change felt so difficult?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to realize how being willful blocked your ability to change? Did this reflection help you see how shifting to Willingness might open new paths for growth?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how recognizing Wilfulness can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could understanding the role of Wilfulness in blocking change help you approach challenges with a more open and adaptive mindset?”
Activity 5: Shifting from Wilfulness to Willingness
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients practice shifting from a willful mindset to a willing one, allowing them to move from resistance and rigidity to acceptance and effective action.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on practicing how to shift from Wilfulness to Willingness. The goal is to recognize when you are being willful and actively choose to adopt a more open and willing attitude.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to think about a recent situation where they were willful—resisting reality or refusing to take effective action. Clients are encouraged to practice recognizing this mindset and shifting to Willingness.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when you were willful. Now, practice recognizing that mindset and consciously choose to shift to Willingness. Ask yourself, ‘What would happen if I let go of my resistance and embraced a more open attitude? How can I approach this situation with acceptance and flexibility?’”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes practicing shifting from Wilfulness to Willingness. The therapist encourages them to reflect on how adopting a willing attitude changes their emotional response to the situation.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after practicing this shift. Did letting go of Wilfulness help them feel more open and less stuck in the situation?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to shift from Wilfulness to Willingness? Did practicing this skill help you feel more at ease and effective in handling the situation?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how shifting from Wilfulness to Willingness can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could regularly practicing this shift help you respond more effectively to life’s challenges?”
Activity 6: Recognizing Defiance as a Form of Wilfulness
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients identify defiance as a form of Wilfulness, where they resist authority, advice, or reality simply because they don’t want to comply, and reflect on how it impacts their emotional state.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on recognizing defiance as a form of Wilfulness. The goal is to notice when you are resisting or defying reality or guidance, simply because you don’t want to comply.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to reflect on a time when they resisted advice, rules, or a reality they didn’t like. Clients are encouraged to think about whether this defiance was effective or if it made the situation harder.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when you felt defiant—resisting what someone said, refusing to follow a rule, or rejecting a situation you didn’t want to accept. Was this defiance helping you, or was it making things harder? Focus on how this form of Wilfulness impacted your emotions and actions.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on how defiance as Wilfulness affected their emotional state and the outcome of the situation. The therapist encourages them to explore how this resistance increased their distress or blocked positive change.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after recognizing defiance as a form of Wilfulness. Did acknowledging this mindset help them see why the situation felt more difficult or frustrating?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to recognize defiance as Wilfulness? Did noticing this form of resistance help you understand how it affected the outcome?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how recognizing defiance as Wilfulness can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could noticing this mindset help you shift toward a more open, willing response in similar situations?”
Activity 7: Challenging “I Shouldn’t Have To” Thinking
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients recognize when they are engaging in “I shouldn’t have to” thinking, a common form of Wilfulness, and explore how this mindset increases their resistance and distress.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on challenging ‘I shouldn’t have to’ thinking, which is a form of Wilfulness. The goal is to recognize when this thought pattern is increasing your resistance to reality and making the situation harder.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to reflect on a time when they thought, “I shouldn’t have to do this” or “This shouldn’t be happening.” Clients are encouraged to notice how this thinking blocked them from accepting reality or taking effective action.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a situation where you were thinking, ‘I shouldn’t have to deal with this.’ How did that mindset affect your ability to cope with the situation? Was it helping you, or making you more frustrated? Practice challenging this thought pattern by asking yourself, ‘What would happen if I accepted that this is happening, even if I don’t like it?’”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on how challenging “I shouldn’t have to” thinking shifts their perspective. The therapist encourages them to notice how accepting reality without these judgments might help them manage their emotions more effectively.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after challenging their “I shouldn’t have to” thinking. Did recognizing this mindset as Wilfulness help them feel more open to accepting reality?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to challenge your ‘I shouldn’t have to’ thinking? Did practicing this skill help reduce your frustration or resistance?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how challenging “I shouldn’t have to” thinking can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could recognizing and challenging this form of Wilfulness help you respond more effectively in difficult situations?”
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Activity 8: Letting Go of the Need to Control Everything
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients recognize when their need to control everything is a form of Wilfulness and explore how letting go of this need can reduce their distress.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on recognizing the need to control everything as a form of Wilfulness. The goal is to notice when you are trying to control things that are beyond your control and explore how letting go of this need can reduce your distress.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to reflect on a situation where they felt the need to control everything, even aspects they couldn’t change. Clients are encouraged to explore how this need increased their stress or frustration.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when you tried to control everything, even things that were beyond your control. How did that make you feel? Did it help or hurt your ability to cope? Now, practice letting go of the need to control the uncontrollable and focus on what you can influence.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on how letting go of the need to control everything helps them feel more at ease. The therapist encourages them to focus on accepting what is beyond their control.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after letting go of their need for control. Did acknowledging this form of Wilfulness help them feel less frustrated or anxious?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to let go of your need to control everything? Did practicing this skill help you feel more at peace with the situation?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how letting go of control can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could practicing acceptance of what’s beyond your control help you reduce anxiety and frustration in difficult situations?”
Activity 9: Recognizing the Costs of Wilfulness
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients reflect on the emotional and practical costs of Wilfulness—how it increases distress, blocks positive change, and makes situations harder to manage.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on recognizing the costs of Wilfulness. The goal is to reflect on how being willful—refusing to accept reality or take effective action—affects your emotions and makes situations harder.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to think about a situation where they were willful and reflect on the emotional and practical costs of that mindset. Clients are encouraged to notice how being willful increased their distress.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when you were willful. How did that mindset affect your emotions? Did it make the situation harder to manage? Reflect on how being willful increased your stress or frustration and blocked positive change.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on the costs of Wilfulness and how it impacted their ability to cope with the situation. The therapist encourages them to consider how shifting to Willingness might have helped.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after recognizing the costs of Wilfulness. Did noticing these costs help them understand why this mindset increased their suffering?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to recognize the costs of Wilfulness? Did reflecting on these costs help you see the value of shifting to a more willing mindset?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how recognizing the costs of Wilfulness can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could understanding the negative impact of Wilfulness help you make more effective choices in future situations?”
Activity 10: Practicing Willingness in a Situation Where You Were Willful
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients revisit a situation where they were willful and practice responding with Willingness instead, allowing them to explore how this mindset shift would change their experience.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on practicing Willingness in a situation where you were willful. The goal is to revisit a situation where you resisted reality or refused to take effective action and practice responding with openness and flexibility instead.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to think about a recent situation where they were willful and reflect on how they could have responded differently by adopting a willing attitude. Clients are encouraged to imagine how this shift would have changed the outcome.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when you were willful. Now, imagine how you could have responded with Willingness instead. What would it look like to approach the situation with openness and acceptance? Practice visualizing this shift and consider how it might have changed the outcome.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on how adopting Willingness would have changed their emotional response and the outcome of the situation. The therapist encourages them to notice how shifting from Wilfulness to Willingness opens new possibilities.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after practicing Willingness in a situation where they were willful. Did imagining this shift help them see how being more open and flexible could have improved the situation?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to practice Willingness in a situation where you were willful? Did this reflection help you understand how adopting a willing attitude could improve future experiences?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how practicing Willingness in a previously willful situation can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could regularly practicing this shift help you respond more effectively in future situations?”
Activity 11: Reflecting on Resistance to Advice
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients recognize when they resist or reject helpful advice as a form of Wilfulness and explore how this resistance impacts their ability to manage difficult situations effectively.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on recognizing resistance to advice as a form of Wilfulness. The goal is to notice when you are rejecting helpful guidance or advice simply because you don’t want to follow it.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to think about a time when they resisted following advice or guidance, even though it was helpful. Clients are encouraged to reflect on how this resistance impacted their ability to handle the situation.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when someone gave you advice or guidance, but you resisted or rejected it. Was that resistance helping you, or making things harder? Focus on how this form of Wilfulness affected your ability to deal with the situation.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on how resisting advice impacted their ability to manage the situation. The therapist encourages them to consider how accepting the guidance might have made things easier.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after recognizing their resistance to advice as Wilfulness. Did acknowledging this mindset help them understand why they struggled more in the situation?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to recognize your resistance to advice? Did noticing this form of Wilfulness help you see how it increased your difficulty in handling the situation?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how recognizing resistance to advice as Wilfulness can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could being more open to guidance help you respond more effectively in difficult situations?”
Activity 12: Accepting Personal Responsibility
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients recognize when Wilfulness shows up as an unwillingness to take personal responsibility for their actions, and explore how accepting responsibility leads to more effective coping.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on accepting personal responsibility. The goal is to recognize when you are being willful by refusing to take responsibility for your part in a situation, and to explore how accepting responsibility can help you manage it more effectively.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to reflect on a time when they avoided taking responsibility for their actions in a difficult situation. Clients are encouraged to explore how this form of Wilfulness affected the outcome.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when you didn’t take responsibility for your part in a situation. How did that affect the situation? Did it help or hurt your ability to resolve it? Now, practice being willing to accept responsibility, and notice how it changes your mindset.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on how accepting personal responsibility changes their perspective and ability to manage the situation. The therapist encourages them to explore how shifting from Wilfulness to responsibility affects their emotional state.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after accepting personal responsibility. Did recognizing this form of Wilfulness help them understand why avoiding responsibility increased their distress?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to accept responsibility for your actions? Did practicing this shift help you feel more in control and capable of handling the situation?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how accepting responsibility can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could being more willing to take responsibility improve your ability to manage difficult situations?”
Activity 13: Practicing Acceptance in the Face of Injustice
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients practice accepting the reality of injustice without becoming willfully resistant or defiant, allowing them to cope more effectively with situations that feel unfair.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on practicing acceptance in the face of injustice. The goal is to recognize when you are being willful by resisting or refusing to accept an unfair situation, and explore how practicing acceptance can help you cope more effectively.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to reflect on a situation where they felt treated unfairly or experienced injustice. Clients are encouraged to explore how resisting this reality increased their suffering.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when you felt treated unfairly. Did resisting that reality help you, or make the situation harder? Now, practice accepting the injustice, even if it feels unfair, and focus on how acceptance can reduce your emotional distress.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on how accepting injustice, rather than resisting it, helps reduce their emotional suffering. The therapist encourages them to focus on how letting go of resistance changes their ability to manage the situation.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after practicing acceptance of injustice. Did letting go of Wilfulness help them feel more at peace, even in an unfair situation?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to accept an unfair situation instead of resisting it? Did practicing acceptance help you cope more effectively?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how practicing acceptance in the face of injustice can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could being willing to accept unfair situations help you reduce suffering during difficult experiences?”
Activity 14: Acknowledging When “Stubbornness” Is Hurting You
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients recognize when their stubbornness is a form of Wilfulness that is making situations harder to handle, and explore how letting go of this mindset can improve their ability to cope.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on recognizing when stubbornness is hurting you. The goal is to notice when being willful or stubborn is making situations harder to manage, and explore how letting go of this mindset can help you cope more effectively.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to reflect on a time when they were stubborn or refused to change their approach, even though it wasn’t helping them. Clients are encouraged to consider how this stubbornness increased their distress.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when you were being stubborn. Was your resistance helping you, or making things harder? Now, practice letting go of that stubbornness and focus on how being more open could have improved the situation.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes reflecting on how being stubborn affected their ability to manage the situation. The therapist encourages them to explore how adopting a more flexible attitude could have helped.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after acknowledging their stubbornness as Wilfulness. Did recognizing this mindset help them understand why the situation felt more difficult?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to recognize stubbornness as a form of Wilfulness? Did letting go of this mindset help you see new possibilities for handling the situation?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how recognizing stubbornness as Wilfulness can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could being more flexible and less stubborn help you cope more effectively in challenging situations?”
Activity 15: Practicing Willingness After Reflecting on Wilfulness
Intro to activity:
This activity helps clients practice shifting from Wilfulness to Willingness after reflecting on how their willful mindset affected a past situation, allowing them to explore how this shift changes their emotional response.
How to practice this activity:
Prompt:
“We’re going to focus on practicing Willingness after reflecting on Wilfulness. The goal is to revisit a time when you were willful and practice responding with Willingness instead, exploring how this shift changes your emotional state.”
Preparation:
The therapist asks clients to think about a recent situation where they were willful and reflect on how this mindset affected their ability to cope. Clients are encouraged to practice shifting to Willingness and imagining how this would have changed their response.
Guidance:
Therapist says: “Think about a time when you were willful. Now, practice imagining how you could have responded with Willingness instead. Focus on how adopting a more open, accepting attitude could have changed the way you felt in the moment.”
Experience:
Clients spend 5-10 minutes practicing shifting from Wilfulness to Willingness and reflecting on how this change affects their emotional state. The therapist encourages them to explore how adopting Willingness opens up new possibilities.
Observation:
Clients reflect on how they felt after practicing this shift. Did adopting a willing mindset help them feel more at ease and less stuck in the situation?
Discussion:
After the activity, the therapist asks: “What did it feel like to practice Willingness after reflecting on Wilfulness? Did this shift help you see how being more open could improve future experiences?”
Reflection:
Reflect on how regularly practicing the shift from Wilfulness to Willingness can help you manage emotional distress. In a group, the therapist might ask: “How could making this shift in future situations help you cope more effectively with life’s challenges?”